Stillness

There is approximately one time out of the year that completely throws your vibe off:

Spring Break.

If you're a college student, it starts the Friday you get out. Suddenly the halls become a bit quieter, the streets become eerily deserted, and you can finally think for the first time in weeks. But this period of time is completely different than winter break or summer break - because you know that it only lasts a week. You aren't going home to eggnog and cookies or riding your bike to your summer job. If you're staying where you are, it's completely unsettling.  

Most of my friends got a Greyhound ticket back home, a few on grander adventures, but I stayed here. It was mostly grey, a balmy 30 degrees out, but it gave me time to reflect on life. It's almost scary, how accustomed you become to driving yourself into the ground. Not just with school work, but just with the modes of everyday life. The stillness you happen upon over spring break doesn't quite put you at ease, it just offers you a new perspective. 

(Spring Breakers dir. Harmony Korine)

Over break I was fascinated with this feeling of stillness. I started to remember the times I felt it while watching certain movies.  For example Spring Breakers directed by Harmony Korine. People shit on this movie all of the time (for good and bad reasons), but I think a big reason why I connected to this film so much was the entity of stillness that was captured by Korine. You got the sense of the desperation that comes along with realizing how slow life is when you aren't preoccupied with things. Those fixed frame shots of the empty dorms spoke to my freakin soul. You realize that these places you are so accustomed to are merely shells that are occupied for nine months out of the year. I also realized how essential Cliff Martinez and Skrillex were to this film. They composed the most delicate and omniscient soundtrack music (Park Smoke) that makes you feel so damn melancholy. 

(Adventureland dir. Greg Mottola) 

Then there was that one scene from the end of Adventureland (2009) directed by Greg Mottola (see Film Muse here). It's a short scene, but ethereal nonetheless. The movie is about this rich college kid who decides to get a dumpy summer job at a local amusement park in 1987. The whole movie glows with that certain alliance you create with your coworkers. You know, the "Us vs. The World" type of thing. But this scene just got to me. Their summer job is over and now they have nothing to do really except shoot fireworks on top of a hill. It's all grey outside. It's too still. 

(The Virgin Suicides dir. Sofia Coppola)

Getting progressively sadder, you have The Virgin Suicides (1999) directed by Sofia Coppola. I picked up Jeffrey Eugenides' book over break, hoping to gain some nostalgia from when I first read it. I forgot how beautiful it was, I couldn't fathom it. The book itself is the epitome of ever lasting stillness, exaggerated memories of the Lisbon sisters and open ended questions. I sat around for a good whole day perplexed as to how Coppola captured it all so well. One of the last scenes of the movie shows the house of the Lisbon family. It's vacated and so lonely. Everything is draped in a cool hue of blue, the walls painted plainly. Carpet stains line the floor, even though signs of life left it long ago. It also reminded me of the Spring Breakers dorm shots, how home is just a structure that you live in until you don't.

The Virgin Suicides has best soundtrack of all time, too. AIR beautifully accompanies the hollow feelings of the film, the soundtrack itself deserves a whole other blogpost:
Empty House - by AIR

(Kurt Cobain's aunt in Kurt & Courtney dir. Nick Broomfield)

Then this. This scene I wrote about in my Film Muse of Kurt & Courtney (1998) (see Film Muse here). The film is a documentary surrounding the life of Kurt Cobain. The whole movie is a total downer - if you're into that kind of stuff. What got me was that one of their main interviewees was Kurt Cobain's aunt who still lives in the same house that Kurt used to jam out in as a toddler. She shares old recordings of him singing Beatles songs. She plays the stereo with a huge smile (cross quilt hanging proudly in the background) but still manages to look so goddamn sad. You can tell she is a nice Christian lady who occasionally whips out an acoustic guitar at campfires, but something is eternally off. Like she is still deeply missing Kurt after all of these years, replaying old memories, even though she looks fine and happy in her denim on denim ensemble. 

Well damn. This got a whole lot deeper than I intended it to. But I think it's important to dwell on these moments. I wouldn't have thought about all of this stuff if I went on a trip to Hawaii-kiki. Anyways, I suppose I should study for my midterm tomorrow. Happy Spring Break. 

Lauren Rose

Curbside Fashion

Ode to those left behind by Kurt Cobain.

Film Muse Kurt and Courtney (1998)

I'm in this weird melancholy state right now. I left my home to go back to college today. My boxes have be emptied, and I'm back as a sophomore at "State U" (managed to forget my computer chord somehow...but all is well). I don't feel that freshmen anxiety anymore - perhaps that's where the melancholy kicks in. Instead I feel a bit lost - but not in a bad way. I'm hoping that something will spark my interest here. I'm no longer wanting to reject my education, I just hope I can get what I need- if that makes any sense.

Since I'm in this "life searching" vibe, I remembered this documentary filmed by the BBC called Kurt and Courtney (1998) dir. Nick Broomfield. I really liked this documentary because of it's performative mode construct. There are no answers to this film. None at all. Broomfield mentions theories about Kurt's death (speculations of Courtney's hand in it, etc), but by the end of the film, everyone just sits in awe and wonders why someone with so much passion and thought would decide to off themselves during the peak of their career.

 To be honest, I never jumped on the Kurt Cobain fan girl train (trust me, I know that sounds douchey). Nirvana's music was at first too much for me to handle. To this day - hearing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" makes me cringe a little. But that was my first taste. I soon lulled to Nirvana's slower tracks, "Dumb", "Polly", "Something in the Way", and even "Pennyroyal Tea". I realized that my conservative distaste for Nirvana's loud sound was the perfect opportunity to prove myself wrong. As I looked into Nirvana, I realized that Kurt regretted the "fuck you" teenage mentality that "Smells Like Teen Spirit" perpetuated. Maybe not regretted, but grown out of. I think it had something to do with him having a daughter, finding love, and seeing the world's purer side. 

What I loved about this documentary was the interviewees. You can see the pain in their eyes when they recall memories of a younger Kurt. An insecure, shy Kurt. Broomfield interviews Tracy, Kurt's first girlfriend of 3 years. She seems a bit apprehensive in the interview, which is relieving.  She haphazardly takes the crew around her house, adorned with baby dolls and intriguing artwork- some of which was made by Kurt himself. She mentions how Kurt used to wear layers and layers of clothing to appear bulkier than he actually was, because of bullying.  I felt a blow on that one - the fact that they'd known each other that well for him to show his insecurities.  The fact that she witnessed his pain and awkwardness like that and they still maintained their love. I don't know, that part got to me. It's hard to explain. 

Some of the interviewees are bitter too - just another aspect of how people see others. Here is Ross Rezebek, now foe of Courtney Love. The punk rock Bowie lookalike didn't end up making it big like Courtney, despite their close company in Portland. Apparently, they first met when Courtney threw a drink in his face, denouncing his poser ways. Brilliant.

(Not going to lie, this song is sick)

Then we have Dylan, Kurt's best friend. This one fucked me up real bad too (methy vibes). Dylan skeptically accepts the interview with that appears to be a beer in hand. "If you were his best friend..." Broomfield keeps reiterating, as if Dylan should have known Kurt was going to off himself. This interview was awkwardly intense. People often speculated that Dylan had something to do with Kurt's death because he was a part of the group that found Kurt dead. 

"They were both constantly trying to hide it (drug abuse) from each other" - Dylan on Kurt and Courtney.

"Put it this way: If I seriously thought Kurt had been murdered...If I'd thought Courtney was involved... you know if I thought someone-...  they'd be dead by now - flat out. I would kill them if I thought that was the case." -Dylan on Kurt's death.  

The never before interviewed nanny of Frances Cobain was in this film. Holding a beer, pupils dilated, looking visibly depressed and distraught, the nanny says:

"There was just way too much "will" talk" 

"He was more caring than let to be" 

It is obvious that she doesn't like Courtney, in fact, she thinks she drove him to suicide. 

"If he wasn't murdered, he was driven to murder himself"

But the person that I have the most compassion for is Mary, Kurt's aunt. Throughout the film she is interviewed, playing back old recordings of a 2 year old Kurt singing "Hey Jude", and later screaming what sounds like early Nirvana. She sits there, listening to the recordings in her awesome '90s denim on denim outfit, smiling. Her smile turns a bit - from exhaustion, from sadness, who knows. She is the one this post truly goes out to. 

In one of the last scenes, we see her singing to her junior high class in an embarrassingly cheesy and beautiful way. Her students put their head in their hands. I want to shout: DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK IS TEACHING YOU RIGHT NOW? HOW MUCH PAIN SHE HAS PROBABLY GONE THROUGH? HOW MUCH SHE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND HOW MUCH YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN CARE???

Okay. I'm done. I just have a lot of love for this woman. It's something that I can't explain through writing. You have to see her face - that's where the emotions lie. You have to hear her words. You have to experience her love for Kurt.

With that, there is my version of an ode to those left behind by Kurt Cobain.

-Lauren Rose

Curbside Fashion 

Moodboard - S/S '13

(Left to Right: The Doom Generation still, Unknown, Pageant Girls by Petra Collins, Unknown Gwen still, Unknown Spice Girls Still, James Huang, Unknown, The Doom Generation Still, and Unknown)

  So I thought I'd make a moodboard for today's post. Since in my last video I talked about the glam '70s/millenia 2000s vibes I thought I'd show you some visuals that pretty much embody my brain at the moment. Actually, now that I look at this it's mostly focused on the millenia half but you get the point nonetheless.

I've been thinking about the summer recently and what I'm going to do with it.  I originally planned on taking summer classes at my college in May to get ahead, but I might not pursue it because the financial aid will be beyond shitty. Plus, I don't want to burn myself out for the upcoming school year. Which leads me back into the post vibe - road trips.

For those who haven't seen The Doom Generation, its a hyper stylized film about 2 teenagers who are trying to escape their seemingly messed up lives.  They encounter strange places and psycho characters along the way.  It makes me sort of reminisce on all of the absurdity that lies in the outskirts of the U.S.A. The joke shops, touristy destinations, etc. It'd probably be super depressing to constantly reside there (shown in the movie), but popping in on a road trip and leaving when you want just seems so appealing to me in a voyeuristic way.  

Something else I've been inspired by recently is the concept of Roswell New Mexico/Aliens. I remember staying up late and watching crappy reenactment shows about alien abductions on T.V. as a kid. It just makes me really intrigued how so many people across the world believe in it whole heartily and dedicate their lives to exploring the matter.

Anyways, I guess what this all comes down to is mystery. What's still out there? What can I document? Maybe that's what I'll do over the summer - get some money together and bum it across the U.S.A. More fashion inspiration on this topic will be coming soon!

Much love, 

Lauren Rose

Curbside Fashion 

(P.S. I watched this documentary called "Kurt and Courtney" on Netflix last night. I never knew there were hardcore conspiracy theorists that thought Kurt was murdered. I liked when they showed people from his past (his aunt/ex girlfriend), you can really see the impression he left - it's actually super depressing. Also Courtney is kind of displayed in a bad light (then again it's hard to make her seem like a saint), but her dad is the biggest asshole on earth. Wow. That is it, over and out. )