Ode to those left behind by Kurt Cobain.

Film Muse Kurt and Courtney (1998)

I'm in this weird melancholy state right now. I left my home to go back to college today. My boxes have be emptied, and I'm back as a sophomore at "State U" (managed to forget my computer chord somehow...but all is well). I don't feel that freshmen anxiety anymore - perhaps that's where the melancholy kicks in. Instead I feel a bit lost - but not in a bad way. I'm hoping that something will spark my interest here. I'm no longer wanting to reject my education, I just hope I can get what I need- if that makes any sense.

Since I'm in this "life searching" vibe, I remembered this documentary filmed by the BBC called Kurt and Courtney (1998) dir. Nick Broomfield. I really liked this documentary because of it's performative mode construct. There are no answers to this film. None at all. Broomfield mentions theories about Kurt's death (speculations of Courtney's hand in it, etc), but by the end of the film, everyone just sits in awe and wonders why someone with so much passion and thought would decide to off themselves during the peak of their career.

 To be honest, I never jumped on the Kurt Cobain fan girl train (trust me, I know that sounds douchey). Nirvana's music was at first too much for me to handle. To this day - hearing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" makes me cringe a little. But that was my first taste. I soon lulled to Nirvana's slower tracks, "Dumb", "Polly", "Something in the Way", and even "Pennyroyal Tea". I realized that my conservative distaste for Nirvana's loud sound was the perfect opportunity to prove myself wrong. As I looked into Nirvana, I realized that Kurt regretted the "fuck you" teenage mentality that "Smells Like Teen Spirit" perpetuated. Maybe not regretted, but grown out of. I think it had something to do with him having a daughter, finding love, and seeing the world's purer side. 

What I loved about this documentary was the interviewees. You can see the pain in their eyes when they recall memories of a younger Kurt. An insecure, shy Kurt. Broomfield interviews Tracy, Kurt's first girlfriend of 3 years. She seems a bit apprehensive in the interview, which is relieving.  She haphazardly takes the crew around her house, adorned with baby dolls and intriguing artwork- some of which was made by Kurt himself. She mentions how Kurt used to wear layers and layers of clothing to appear bulkier than he actually was, because of bullying.  I felt a blow on that one - the fact that they'd known each other that well for him to show his insecurities.  The fact that she witnessed his pain and awkwardness like that and they still maintained their love. I don't know, that part got to me. It's hard to explain. 

Some of the interviewees are bitter too - just another aspect of how people see others. Here is Ross Rezebek, now foe of Courtney Love. The punk rock Bowie lookalike didn't end up making it big like Courtney, despite their close company in Portland. Apparently, they first met when Courtney threw a drink in his face, denouncing his poser ways. Brilliant.

(Not going to lie, this song is sick)

Then we have Dylan, Kurt's best friend. This one fucked me up real bad too (methy vibes). Dylan skeptically accepts the interview with that appears to be a beer in hand. "If you were his best friend..." Broomfield keeps reiterating, as if Dylan should have known Kurt was going to off himself. This interview was awkwardly intense. People often speculated that Dylan had something to do with Kurt's death because he was a part of the group that found Kurt dead. 

"They were both constantly trying to hide it (drug abuse) from each other" - Dylan on Kurt and Courtney.

"Put it this way: If I seriously thought Kurt had been murdered...If I'd thought Courtney was involved... you know if I thought someone-...  they'd be dead by now - flat out. I would kill them if I thought that was the case." -Dylan on Kurt's death.  

The never before interviewed nanny of Frances Cobain was in this film. Holding a beer, pupils dilated, looking visibly depressed and distraught, the nanny says:

"There was just way too much "will" talk" 

"He was more caring than let to be" 

It is obvious that she doesn't like Courtney, in fact, she thinks she drove him to suicide. 

"If he wasn't murdered, he was driven to murder himself"

But the person that I have the most compassion for is Mary, Kurt's aunt. Throughout the film she is interviewed, playing back old recordings of a 2 year old Kurt singing "Hey Jude", and later screaming what sounds like early Nirvana. She sits there, listening to the recordings in her awesome '90s denim on denim outfit, smiling. Her smile turns a bit - from exhaustion, from sadness, who knows. She is the one this post truly goes out to. 

In one of the last scenes, we see her singing to her junior high class in an embarrassingly cheesy and beautiful way. Her students put their head in their hands. I want to shout: DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK IS TEACHING YOU RIGHT NOW? HOW MUCH PAIN SHE HAS PROBABLY GONE THROUGH? HOW MUCH SHE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND HOW MUCH YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN CARE???

Okay. I'm done. I just have a lot of love for this woman. It's something that I can't explain through writing. You have to see her face - that's where the emotions lie. You have to hear her words. You have to experience her love for Kurt.

With that, there is my version of an ode to those left behind by Kurt Cobain.

-Lauren Rose

Curbside Fashion 

Surviving High School 101

High School. 

To be honest, I don't remember much of it. 

(My friend Nyala and I, senior year)

I remember being insecure with my weight, making AWESOME friends that pushed me out of my comfort zone, and then keeping other friends that just let me be my boring-film-nerd self. I remember having the worst math teachers (except for maybe one) and somehow passing each class I endured. I remember car rides with boys that I probably shouldn't have been with and I remember trying so hard to make my high school experience be like Dazed and Confused, even though it would never come close. 

But I made it out, even if I chose to block out some of the non-movie-worthy parts. I morphed into a semi-confident girl who then morphed into a HEADSTRONG FEMALE via college who makes mistakes but is totally an a-okay person at the end of the day.

With that being said, I brought back some tips I gave about surviving high school from an old blog of mine- for those who still have to deal with it. Here we go: 

1. Find friends: Sounds easy, but sometimes it's not. You might not find Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants type friends, but be open to everyone - especially your first year.  Even if you don't find best friends, its nice to have people to be with on the weekends, to learn from them, to goof around. Introduce them to your interests. They just might like the same things as you.  If you can't find friends, lone wolf it.  It might suck, but you will get through it. 

2. Find a hobby: It can be a sport, painting, filmmaking, Youtube, WHATEVER! It doesn't even have to be a school related hobby. Having a hobby to preoccupy you is the best thing you can do, especially if you don't have many friends. I had to take an art class for a credit at my school and I found that I loved hanging out in the art room because the people were open minded and easy going (code for: GOOD VIBES).  With the help of some awesome teachers I did drawing and sculpture, eventually winning a national award for one of my pieces. Who knew that joining an art class for a measly credit would open a new world of understanding art, as well as understanding people? 

3. Actually study for your ACTs/SATs: Yes, society is messed up for judging you on your ability to take a test - but it's happening. Top colleges will hardly look at your applications if you don't meet a certain score.  As much as it makes me want to rip my hair out, PLEASE STUDY FOR THOSE STUPID TESTS. Even if you don't want to go to college, take them anyways as a backup. Take the tests early, and study for them as hard as it might be. If you don't do well, make up for it (see next tip).

4. Do good things: Volunteer, get a job, participate in things outside of school, etc.  Especially if you are a bad test taker (like me), having these things on your application will give you a great advantage over others. Make a resume, as daunting as the task might be! Don't be afraid to recognize all of the good things you've done. You will feel like an accomplished bad ass if you just do good things. 

5. Don't be an asshole: Do I need to say anything else? We all know those people who need some bad karma, or better yet, a punch to the face. Don't be those people. Be tolerant, don't make fun of the quiet ones, and don't act like a 5 year old. Enough said.

(Okay, not enough said. Obviously, traditional bullies suck. But what's even worse is when your own friend becomes a bully by emotionally manipulating you. DO NOT MESS UP A PERSON'S PSYCHE because you want to feel better. Just don't. )

6. Don't date for the sake of dating: You'll see that creepy senior eye your best friend, or your best friend might even hook up with a nasty frat-boy-to-be just to lose her V-card. Don't get me wrong - it's their body, their choices, etc - but it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. The pressure of dating is huge in high school, but don't give into it if you aren't ready. Exploring your sexuality and having a good time is AWESOME, but if it doesn't feel right: don't do it.  I'm serious. Have you ever seen Never Been Kissed??? There IS a happy ending. Sometimes just not in high school.

7. Be smart: High school has always been a huge cliché for drinking and doing drugs. I say do what you want to do, but be smart. Take it easy on the red cups, DON'T drink and drive, and be with people that you trust. If you ever feel like you were taken advantage of - tell your friends. Heck, tell your TEACHER. You don't want people to get away with that type of bullshit for the rest of their lives. High school is a time to experiment, but remember to realize that in the real world - drinking and drugs are not everything. 

So there you go.
And as a special treat for all of you awesome weirdos out there, here is some 1990's cinematic GOLD. It's called "Dirty Girls", a documentary about teenage outcasts in a typical "All American" high school that I discovered last winter. Apparently they filmed a follow up documentary, when are we going to see it guys?

 LASTLY, I will bid you farewell with some tough words that you might not like. You know those people who say high school was the best time in their life? I'm going to explain that to you. And no, it's not the "they peaked to early" speech. 

You are young. When you reach 18 and your parents stop sheltering some of you, you are going to have to deal with things like bills, loans, apartment searching, careers, and LIFE. The reason why so many people look back at high school with nostalgia is because high school is a time when you don't have too many "real world" responsibilities. With that being said - you have to deal with a lot of other shit like hormones, heart breaks, and dillweed teachers.

So what. You don't like your life in high school? Make it an art project. Cherish each day, and realize that if it's a shitty day - your life will be IMMENSELY better once you get out of there. 

Keep it cool, 

Lauren Rose

CurbsideFashion